2005-03-10 - 12:08 p.m.
On The Loose
LOCK YOUR DOORS! JACKO IS ON THE LOOSE!
2005-03-10 - 10:41 a.m.
Keeee-rist!
I'm not a devotee of Desperate Housewives. It's okay, but kinda overrated and I just can't get that into it. I'm also resistant to anything that gets the kind of 24/7 coverage the show receives. Enough about the "hunks" of Wisteria Lane already! We need a break from constant Housewife coverage, but showcasing the Househusbands? Screams of desperation (pardon the pun).
The cast is good at what they do, don't get me wrong. Of all the ladies though, Eva Longoria has always struck me as the one out of her league, at least talent-wise. Reading this, I see she's also behind them in the areas of class and respect. I'd encourage the others to gang up on her and claw her eyes out, but that would give ABC something else to publicize involving this damn show. SHUT UP Desperate Housewives! You've become grade-A media whores.
2005-03-10 - 10:19 a.m.
Not Much To Look At
I suffered through 20 minutes of the Olsen Twins' non-masterpiece New York Minute last night. It was so bad that it went far beyond good-bad (a la Glitter) and landed on actually unwatchable (a la Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle). Why are these girls so famous? They can't act their way out of a paper towel, they're not hot, and they choose cheese, time and time again. So that's my question of the day. If you're not a dirty pig who's been eyeing them sexually for over a decade, and you have half a brain cell, what's the appeal of the Olsen Twins? Is it their soothing, talentless media storm? Or do people watch hoping for a cameo by Kimmie Gibbler? If you know the answer, please clue me in.
2005-03-04 - 3:08 p.m.
Don't They Know, It's The End of the Word?
According to the crack team over at The Actor's Studio, Robin Williams and I have the same favorite word: "Abondanza!" I think I have to kill myself now. Or find a new favorite word. I like the sound of "gravitas." That won't work as well at The Olive Garden, but it'll have to do for now.
2005-02-28 - 10:33 a.m.
Oscar Wrap-Up
The best part about the Oscars this year? I finally won the office pool, all by my lonesome, with a perfect 8 for 8 guesses! The worst part? The show was done poorly. Harry Knowles sums up improvements here, and I agree with him. The choices made by the producer jerk were so off.
Choosing Chris Rock was brilliant, but muzzling him and cutting content for fear of the FCC was ridiculous. The network is to blame for a lot of that. Our censorship culture is simply out of control.
Also, deciding to do demeaning things to suck the joy out of the evening as a time saver (i.e. giving people awards in their seats like a ballpark hot dog vendor, severely limiting the time award winners had to make their speeches, lining up pageant contestants on stage to wait for their award) was simply ridiculous. Those crafts people aren't huge stars, but they make the huge stars look so great. The Academy should be ashamed of itself for giving these talented people the shaft and depriving them of their one annual moment in the public eye. I've seen enough of the actors preening by this time in the award cycle, thank you very much. And for all that, they still ran over!
Other thoughts:
- Chris Rock was very funny, and I hope they bring him back. With less interference. His opening intro burn on Halle Berry, and her resulting attempts not to lose her shit on camera because of it were classic.
- Robin Williams just isn't funny anymore. And he's even less funny doing his lispy gay cartoon characters schtick. Shame on ABC for cutting his Marc Shaiman song. That would have made the routine bearable.
- I like Johnny Carson and his tribute was nice, but why were they so skimpy with the other dead people? And why did Brando get as much screen time as random producers. He's the reason half the guys in the audience got into the business! I know he liked to piss off the Academy and refuse their awards in the past, but what a cheap shot not to honor a man who was probably the best actor ever.
- SHUT UP HILLARY SWANK! I was glad for you to win your first one, and even this one cause I remember you on 90210 and I appreciate how hard it must have been to pretend to be in love with Steve Sanders and his stupid hair and even stupider tight pants. Plus, you starred in Dying to Belong, only like the 2nd best Lifetime movie of all time. But your whole speech focused mostly on your hairstylists and attorneys, and was totally a laundry list from hell. How uninspiring. Who else would shout down the orchestra to give props to a publicist! Just be gracious and say little like your wonderful co-star, or actually have something to say that doesn't focus on money and lawyers and agents like Jamie Foxx. Oh yeah, and while you're at it, SHUT UP!!!
- Kate Winslet is so beautiful and talented and gracious. I love her.
- Prince and Johnny Depp got dressed together. I thought Prince looked a little sharper, but I always appreciate Johnny's eccentric touches.
- Speaking of, how awesome was it that Prince was so utterly annoyed with the "quality" of the songs that were nominated? He could barely hide his contempt, and that's why I love him so.
- Why can't the original artists perform the songs that get nominated? Beyonce's great and all, but I see enough of her with her own music. Gil Cates must have gotten an hourly rate or something. The only positive? I got to see Jay-Z reaction shots throughout the broadcast.
- Sticking together all the Latin actors and performers and potential award winners into one little chunk of the show was not only intentional, but full-on offensive. And why couldn't the guy who wrote Al Otro Lado del Rio perform his song? Because America is not ready for his Latin heat, but it's already familiar with Santana and Antonio Banderas' combined Latin heat, so no one gets any heartburn? How stupid was that whole scene? With the motorbike and a chunk of the set from Don' Johnson's "Heartbeat" video in the background? The Academy better learn to integrate these performers and presenters more seamlessly.
- Sean Penn still has that ginormous stick up his ass. His sense of humor must have died after making Shanghai Surprise. At least he was clearly drunk, so his idiotic, slurry mini-rant on behalf of JUDE LAW of all people was funny. Chris Rock handled it beautifully. I hope his "accountants" helped him with that stick...
- Why was Usher invited? Because he led the group dance scene in "She's All That?" Or because he was in "The Faculty?" I'm confused. And also afraid that they'll start inviting Freddie Prinze, Jr. too. I hope Freddie's debut album (should he make one) is a flop so that we avoid that fate.
Oh well. Here's hoping they get it better next year.
2005-02-25 - 11:02 a.m.
Fraidy Pants
I thought I'd share with you all the e-mail exchange I just had with my sister.
Me: "bro- i just watched the trailer for the new amityville horror movie, and i'm like afraid to be alive right now. especially only a two-hour drive from the real amityville. i'm scared! it looks like lauren reed might have a hit movie on her hands. it looks really good. which is to say, capable of putting me in traction."
Jenny: "Will you ever stop being afraid of the Amityville horror? You're a grown woman! The Devil flies won't hurt you now...."
Like that makes me feel any better. I'm still scared!!!
2005-02-23 - 11:30 a.m.
Friends of the Fedora
I can't believe I just found photographic "proof" of Corey Feldman's celebrity friendships. Wow. What I can believe, is that one of them involves the fictional characters from Spinal Tap. Awesome.
2005-02-22 - 10:23 a.m.
Not Staying At A Hilton
Wow. My opinion of Paris Hilton was pretty much as low as opinions go. But this new business takes the cake. I generally feel bad for people losing their privacy. I guess what's amazing is that there really is nothing going on with her beyond the starfucker wannabe celebrity thing. There really is no deep end to her pool. And she's as dirty a pig as we all thought. It takes a special kind of skank to keep topless lesbian makeout photos of yourself on your cellphone.
