2004-03-04 - 11:44 a.m.
Craplympics
I had a great idea last week. Instead of sitting through another cheesily produced standard Olympics show, why not create a tournament of sports that yearn for Olympic credibility. Games played by half-assed "athletes" who are in it for the glory. To be the best of the mediocre. I think the world is ready for the Craplympics.
The Craplympics, hosted by Bob Costas (of course), combines the finest sports that were ever made up by normal people to approximate Olympic glory. Commentary on the events will be done by seasoned Crapathletes, people who have been hearing sports announcers in their heads for years. The location would change every year, rotating first around North America and later all over the world as other countries admit that their Crapathletes exist too. After all, if the "She Bangs" guy on American Idol has taught us anything, it's that people love to watch other people excel at sucking on their own terms.
I even have the first line-up of events all ready to go. Just take a look and marvel at the potential sporting glory:
Couch Vault In the proud tradition of Kerri Strug and um, other famous vaulters, the Craplympics will feature a couch vaulting tournament. In this event, set in a large suburban living room, contestants stand at the far end of the room. Once they are ready to go, they raise their hand to the judges and take off running towards the couch. Once there, they fling themselves onto the couch, stay airborne on their arms as long as possible, and then flip back in the direction they came from. Landing the dismount is still key here, but the largest portion of the score is based on how serious the preparation time and wave to the judges look.
Semi-Synchronized, Totally Ad-Libbed Swimming In this summer favorite, teams of two people are given ten minutes to cobble together a shoddy synchronized swimming routine with no backing music. After ten minutes, the team performs their less than wonderful routine to the cheers of the appreciative crowd. Points are given for remembering the routine as well as not coughing too much when chlorine enters the nose (as it is wont to do).
Clumsy Balance Beam Crapathletes in this event have spent years honing their gymnastic skills on the bottom bleachers at countless schools across our great land. In the actual competition, a routine is performed no more than six inches off the floor. Flips and handstands are not allowed, but bonus points can be earned by looking pretentious and sucking in your cheeks.
Water Death Battle This event combines the finer points of kayaking, water polo, jujitsu, and ice dancing, as partners work to fight off the opposing team in a stunning display of aquatic innertube wizardry. The captain of the tube rights the vessel and supports the efforts of the "scubador," the innertube warrior who sometimes has to be dunked to save the ship. First innertube to flounder loses. Kicking, scratching, and hair-pulling are all encouraged.
Sad Figure Skating This event can happen on ice or on the street with inline skates. The Crapathletes perform inept routines to inspirational songs and try not to totally wipe out. Extra points are earned for working re-balancing motions and fall recoveries into the choreography.
Wimbledon-Lite This sport involves re-enacting a Wimbledon match on an average sized suburban driveway with a raquetball and no semblance of a net. Each person adds color commentary as the game is played, and British accents are rewarded heartily by style judges.
Dead Man Walking Inspired by the hilarious Academy Award winning film about the death penalty, this hip addition to the Craplympics updates the classic game of Marco Polo and makes it accessible to people who can't or don't want to swim around blindly. The "seeker" wraps a sheet tightly around his head so that he or she is blind. When ready, this person calls out "Dead Man Walking!" and starts feeling around for the other players. Once another player is touched, they become the Dead Man and the match starts all over again.
Isn't this idea great? I'm in talks with several important people to make it a reality. Average Americans are hungry for average American heroes: men and women who compete in weird contests and give it their all for the glory of sports. Yes, the glory of sports my friends, an inspiration indeed.
Dream Watch 2003: I joined a spinning class, but I took too long to choose my bike and ended up with a school desk instead.
What I'm Listening To: The new N.E.R.D. single. Very strange boys, our Neptunes.
What I'm Reading: Speculation that Kerry will pick McCain as his running mate. As much as I hate Kerry's flopping around on the issues, McCain would definitely plant me in his camp.
What I'm Watching: Angel. Another grim episode, with nary a mention of last week's hilarious astronaut vs. caveman quandry. I guess Fred is totally dead. Long live Illyria. Because even though I'm not a big fan of the body suit, I don't think she's about to deliver any lines about "pancake kisses."
