2004-03-03 - 11:00 a.m.
A Plea For A Better Oscar Telecast
Another year, another Oscar ceremony over with. I had my annual party this year, and it was very successful. The addition of door prizes kept spirits up as the telecast stretched on and on. My only complaint would be with the large amount of food I needed to throw out. It's the ladies' Super Bowl, people! Time to drop your diets and eat nasty things. Oh well. I suppose it's time for my rant.
Boring. Too long. Short on laughs. Yep, it was another Billy Crystal hack job. Don't get me wrong, Billy is a nice guy who can be occasionally funny. But he's not good at the observational, on-the-spot wisecracks. And he really stinks at letting a bit die when it's been used enough. The New Zealand thankfest and gay marriage jokes were funny the first fifty times he used them. The next fifty, not so much.
I suppose I should be thankful that it wasn't Whoopi, who is actually worse. I'll take Crystal's Mad-Lib musical number openings over her nasty, unfunny jibes. I don't quite understand why a telecast devoted to the best in film puts up with such hosting mediocrity.
Steve Martin is sublime, and does a wonderful job with it. I am one of the few people who liked David Letterman's appearance. Younger comics should have a shot too. Jon Stewart and Conan O'Brien would be amazing hosts. Either one would make me jump for joy, and I would never worry about them cheesing up the stage with old plastic surgery jokes. Wayne Brady could be a fun host, and you know he'll do the requisite musical numbers with great style. Ellen Degeneres should have a shot, too. She's amazing, and isn't overly cynical. Any of these people would make even a five hour show feel much shorter.
I'd also like the return of crazy dance numbers to the nominated songs. That stuff was amazing, and Debbie Allen has free time on her hands with the demise of Fame. The death montage should be one big event, with no special asides for the major stars. Applause should also be held until the end, with just that soggy music playing over the clips. It's a lot less moving to be gauging the dead people's popularity on your mental applause meter instead of remembering their work. Or in my case, realizing they weren't already dead before this year.
I also think there should be a law against Tom Cruise's annual avoid Nicole/present film clip and run act. He should have to sit through the crappy ceremony in its entirety, just like everyone else. Spielberg and Hanks pulled similar things this year, but it isn't an annual habit, so I'll let it slide.
What makes King Shorty think he's so much better than the rest of the stars? He should have to sit there, wondering if the reaction shot people cut to him when he's picking his nose. After all, Michael Douglas does it. And he has the common sense to adjust his look during commercials when Ziti-Piti smacks him upside his head and tells him how retarded his Nicholson imitation glasses look.
There you have it. My changes to the broadcast, which, when coupled with copious drinking, will make the whole experience more fun. Thanks for not listening Hollywood!
Dream Watch 2003: I was picked to direct the new Clay Aiken video. It was hell. First of all, he creeps me out. Second, I don't like his music. Third, the label was pushing me to have him be pretty much naked, oiled up provocatively, and writhing around with some model who kept barfing in between takes. I felt bad for her.
What I'm Listening To: VH1's radio stations. They play well and the songs are decent.
What I'm Reading: News that the Firefly movie has been officially greenlit by Universal. Yay Mutant Enemy!
What I'm Watching: One Tree Hill. At the gym. That theme song really kickstarted my cardio. I think it's sorta sad that the most interesting people are the parental units. I love Nathan and Haley. They seem real to me. Good for him, becoming all independent. Yeah, his mom shouldn't exactly be shunned for what she did. But finding out that he was calling her, crying for her return during that summer when his dad went totally psycho makes me understand and approve of his rage. Keith needs forgiveness...and a good lawyer. I knew he would get screwed over by his brother. And Brooke's wanton, bitchy rage is awesome! I hate Jake's baby mama though. She's a horrible actress. I think they hired her to make Peyton look better.
